Are you listening?
7 practices to become a better listener.
Tom Costello
7-minute read
Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens
Jimi Hendrix
You don’t have to listen. Listening is a choice.
Most of us know that listening is a valuable skill. It’s a key ingredient for strengthening relationships, making good decisions, managing conflict and building and empowering teams.
Why is it then, that we know listening is valuable, most of us want to get better at it, and yet many of us struggle to do it well?
Here are three misconceptions that can hinder good listening. See if you recognise any in yourself:
Listening takes too long/I don’t have time: There are situations where we do need to devote time and space to listen to someone who needs our help. In these situations, it may be appropriate to schedule a time when we can actively choose to give our full attention. However, there are many situations where it is possible and effective to listen to someone for less than a minute. That’s right, listening, and acknowledging what someone has said, accurately and without judgement, can take less than a minute. More on this later.
Listening might give the impression that I agree when I don’t: When we choose to listen, we don’t have to switch off our ability to express our own views. We can move between listening, expressing our own views, commenting on what others have said and engaging in a free-flowing discussion. As we will see, at the moment we choose to listen, it is possible to show understanding without agreeing or disagreeing. It is possible to listen neutrally, before choosing whether or not to offer our own views.
When I listen, I often want to help by giving advice: It’s quite natural to want to offer help when we’re listening, and there is nothing wrong with this. It’s just that when we’re doing so, we need to be clear that we’re not actually listening at that point in the conversation; we’re offering advice, which is very different. When we listen to someone, we focus on them, on what’s happening in their world, and we let them know we’ve heard them without giving any advice. Advice may or may not come later after we have listened and understood.
Choosing to become a better listener:
If we want to be a better listener, we need to make a conscious choice to listen and then practice. But what do we specifically need to practice to reap the benefits of better listening?
7 practices to become a better listener:
Be silent: For those of you who love to speak, and who love to help by offering advice, this can be a challenge. In a nutshell, shut up! Bite your tongue and create some space for others to say what they want to say…even if it’s just for a minute or two. You might even invite someone to, ‘say some more…’. Don’t try to change them or sort them out…simply give them space to say what they want to say for a few minutes. I’m not saying stay silent for the whole conversation; just enough time for them to say what they want to say.
Be curious: Challenge yourself to be open-minded. Intentionally choose to be open to different perspectives, perhaps even perspectives you’ve previously dismissed. If you’ve already made up your mind about a topic, it can be difficult to hear different points of view. Being curious doesn’t mean you need to agree with others, it simply means you are willing to hear what they have to say. The aim is that when others engage with you, they feel heard and understood.
Be attentive: Give your full attention with your mind and your body. There is no point saying to someone ‘Do carry on…I’m listening’…as you continue to respond to a message on your phone. If you are busy doing anything else, then you are not listening, no matter how much you think you are; and the other person knows it! If you really choose to listen, look at them and let them know you are giving them your undivided attention.
Be active: Listening doesn’t mean doing nothing. It helps if you occasionally paraphrase back accurately what someone has said. It only takes around 15-20 seconds to paraphrase most comments that people make. To do this you’ll need to concentrate when they are speaking and notice key words they use when they express their perspectives. When you occasionally paraphrase, using these keywords lets others know that you have really listened and paid full attention. A phrase like “So what you’re saying is…is that right?” can help you to paraphrase effectively.
Be prepared to summarise what you’ve heard: Where paraphrasing acknowledges specific points being made, summarising captures the essence of what someone has said. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone summarising accurately what you’ve been trying to say, you’ll know the value this can have. It can feel like a relief - ‘At last, they’ve heard what I’ve been trying to say for ages’…or ‘Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying’. A summary helps the speaker to feel complete in expressing their views. You might notice them relax and be more open to hearing others’ views because their own views have been acknowledged. A good summary highlights the key points, not necessarily every point that has been made. It usually starts with a phrase like ‘So it sounds like there are three key points you’ve highlighted…’ or ‘Let me check I’ve heard you correctly, you’re saying what we need to do is…’ or ‘So your biggest concern is …is that right?’ Experiment using one or two of these phrases to summarise what someone has said and remember to ask them ‘Is that right?’ at the end of your summary. They will correct you if you have missed anything.
Be neutral: Neutrally acknowledging what someone has said is very different from evaluating by either agreeing or disagreeing. When you evaluate, you give your own opinion or judgement. There is nothing wrong with evaluating or commenting on someone’s view. It’s just that when you do so, you are not listening…you’re evaluating. When you acknowledge what someone has said by paraphrasing, you neither agree nor disagree, you simply acknowledge their views in a neutral way.
Be alert to feelings: People often express feelings through their tone of voice or their body language. Changes in someone’s voice or body may indicate unexpressed feelings. It can be useful to test or check what you notice, to show you are not only hearing what they say but also how they are saying it. This might sound something like ‘You look/you sound…quite frustrated/worried/excited/pleased’. When you do this, you demonstrate that you are interested in them, value them, and you are willing to deepen your understanding of what is going on for them at that moment.
And finally, experiment. Choose a conversation, choose to listen and enjoy what emerges.
You might surprise yourself
Tom Costello is a founding partner of Leadership Mindset Partners.