Give Yourself a Break
Sharon Toye
10-minute read
“Leaders who are able to model compassion for themselves and others build trust and psychological safety that leads to higher engagement and sustainable high performance in teams and organizations”
- Serena Chen, UC-Berkeley professor of psychology
Stop giving yourself a hard time
Paradox 1: self-criticism seems like it could motivate us to do better, but nothing could be further from the truth. Research indicates that self-criticism is linked to stress, anxiety, avoidance behaviour, loss of self-esteem, a destructive drive for perfectionism, procrastination, rumination and potentially even depression. As leaders it can compromise and undermine the achievement of our goals.
I’m not suggesting we ignore problems, rationalise our behavior, or cover up our mistakes, but instead, honestly reflect on what has happened and how to correct it. Practicing self-compassion – the opposite of self-criticism - is the key.
Try a thought experiment – bring to mind an experience you’ve had that makes you feel badly, but only moderately badly so that you can feel the stress in your body without becoming overwhelmed by it. Visualise the situation until it makes you feel a little uncomfortable.
These feelings and thoughts are familiar to most of us. Maybe we’ve missed a deadline, embarrassed ourselves during a presentation, snapped at a colleague, or been overlooked for a promotion. Dan Harris, who suffered a career and life changing on air panic attack after 2 decades as an ABC news anchor, describes them as ‘never-enoughness’ and ‘always-behindness’. These thoughts can be relentless, wreaking havoc with our confidence, well-being, and ability to lead in the way that we want.
What is self-compassion?
Brene Brown and Kristen Neff are considered by many to be the foremost researchers in self- compassion. Indeed, Neff was one of the first to define and measure self-compassion. Brown is a best-selling author who has spent over a decade investigating vulnerability, courage and shame. Her TEDx talk, The Power of Vulnerability has been viewed over 35 million times and is one of the top five most viewed TED talks in the world. For Brown, Kristin Neff’s research was essential
in concluding that the best way to support ourselves in difficult times is through self-compassion. Neff identifies three main elements of self-compassion:
Self-kindness or having the ability to refrain from criticising ourselves harshly
Recognition that we are all human, and as such are all imperfect and each of us
experiences pain
A non-judgmental attitude toward our experiences of inadequacy and failure, even if they
are painful
According to Brown, acknowledgment of personal vulnerabilities is the key to authenticity, and through self-compassion we can learn to embrace these vulnerabilities, rather than allowing them to affect us negatively. Self-compassion is a combination of self-awareness, kindness to oneself and recognition that we are all human. It’s treating ourselves in much the same way we would treat a good friend.
Much of the research on self-compassion has utilised the Self-Compassion Scale. You might like to take the SCS to build greater understanding of your own ability to be self-compassionate.
Self-compassion makes for better leaders
Paradox 2: sitting with and objectively exploring our negative experiences and feelings leads to greater well-being. The pay-off is greater resilience – the holy grail of most organisations, teams, and leaders in our disruptive and demanding world.
Self-compassion empowers us to work with agility, enables us to identify problems, accept and work with negative feedback, and change habits that no longer align with our best interests. It allows us to learn from set-backs, grow, and form good habits that support our success as leaders.
Further, being mindful of our own struggles can help us respond to colleagues and those we lead (as well as family and friends) with kindness and support.
Over the years I have coached many leaders to develop kindness and nonjudgment towards themselves. It’s been tremendously gratifying to see their capacity, confidence and capability grow as a result, and the knock-on effect for their teams when they role-model self-compassion. The research tells us they are also likely to live longer healthier lives.
How to develop Self-Compassion
Paradox 3: We become more self-compassionate when we stop trying to feel better and instead, accept ourselves when we feel bad. Relief comes when we’re kind to ourselves simply because we feel bad.
Self-compassion is ‘dose dependent’ hence the need to develop a self-compassion habit. This takes intention and practice, especially if we are used to being hard on ourselves or see self- compassion as weak or indulgent.
Here are 3 ways to experiment with developing self-compassion, particularly in those important moments when we experience shame, guilt, self-criticism, or feelings of failure and inadequacy.
1. Explore what you do when you give yourself a hard time
An easy place to start is this 20-second exercise. Think of a behavior you would like to change and about which you criticise yourself, such as procrastination, not exercising or impatience. Then identify what you actually say to yourself – the words in your head. Now use this three-point checklist to explore what’s going on:
Acknowledge and accept how you feel about the unhelpful behavior – being aware of, but not overwhelmed by, your own emotions enables you to get in touch with reality, be more objective, and make clearer and wiser decisions
Recognise your shortcomings and failures as experiences shared by everyone – realising you are not alone supports your well-being and sense of connection with others
Ask yourself “what would being kind to myself look and feel like right now?” Notice the impact of this self-compassion on how you feel and how you view the situation
2. Downregulate the stress in your body
We experience stress both from our setbacks and how we catastrophise these setbacks. When you feel ashamed or overwhelmed, it helps to take action to reduce the stress hormones in your body which reduces the stress in your mind. Find a de-stressing prompt that works for you, for example, take a walk, keep a photo on your desk that makes you smile, help someone in some way, or listen to your favorite music. Another option is to develop a helpful mantra; mine is, “there I go again, being human in all my glorious messiness”. In his 2022 Ted Talk, The benefits of not being a jerk to yourself, Dan Harris shares that his mantra is “it’s all good dude, I know this sucks but I’ve got you”.
3. Connect with someone else
When we experience difficult feelings many of us want to hide. We tend to stay away from and avoid others. Don’t! Take a chance and reach out for a different perspective. According to Neff, self-compassion involves adopting a more balanced perspective of your unique situation which allows you to avoid getting carried away with raw emotion. You are more likely to get a more
balanced perspective through connecting with others. As an additional benefit, you are also likely to create better relationships and deeper connections with those around you.
A last word
As Brene Brown highlights, we are often our own worst critics, talking to ourselves in ways that we would never talk to someone else. The key to self-compassion is treating yourself kindly, even when you make mistakes and things go wrong. This means experiencing vulnerability and suffering, which is uncomfortable and therefore requires courage and accountability. Without this important work you are far less likely to develop self-awareness, and benefit from new experiences and thought processes. Perhaps it’s time to stop taking yourself so seriously and give yourself a break!
Sharon Toye is an experienced leader and team coach and a founding Partner of Leadership Mindset Partners
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Bibliography
Brene Brown: Listening to Shame TedxTalk
Dan Harris: The benefits of not being a jerk to yourself
Kristin Neff: Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind
Leah Weiss (Standford Graduate School of Business) How We Work: Live your purpose, Reclaim Your
Sanity and Embrace the Daily Grind, 2018
Rich Fernandez and Steph Stern, ‘Self-Compassion Will Make You a Better Leader’, HBR Nov 2020
Serena Chen: ‘Give Yourself a Break: The Power of Self-Compassion’, HBR, Sept-Oct 2018